Yesterday , as I lie on my bed with my moral notes(that I was supposed to be memorizing) my attention wavered, and I started getting lost in my train of thoughts once again..

I started ‘thinking about my life and what I’ve done so far in these 17 years of my life’, it short, I started doing some self-reflection. It’s supposed to benefit a person as we might discover things we never knew about ourselves.

In the midst of it, I started thinking about things I’ve done, decisions I’ve made. I wonder which decision changed my life, and which merely gave me 5 minutes of joy/trouble.. I thought about the more driven people in my life, the people who already have their long term goals set, and they’re already working their way to achieve them. It wasn’t the first time I’ve realized that I have no long term goals. I have no idea what I want to become in the future. Dreams? Sure, I have some, but being the unrealistic person that I am, the chances of those dreams becoming a reality is close to nil. Maybe I should just settle for some boring but stable occupation like being an accountant…(no offence to you accountants out there)

Perhaps the reason why I’ve never set a long term goal for myself is because I used to, and still do, live by the motto ‘go with the flow’. When life gives you lemon, make lemon juice right? It used to work well for me, no worries, no responsibility, no obligation.. I was riding a very nice and easy wave. But, after the recent events, eg: the breakup, doing badly for trials, etc etc, I realized I wasn’t surfing the wave.. instead, I was dragged by the undercurrent, overwhelmed by its force. Now I’m having second thoughts about the way I live, the principals I’ve set for myself.

Perhaps I have to start taking life more seriously now? Have I not taken life seriously before?

And if I want to change my way of living now, where do I start? Cause I still don’t know what I want for myself..

The recent events had taken its toll on me. I started looking at everything in a new perspective. They say that after a person gets their heart broken, they grow and learn. Honestly though, I don’t feel any wiser.. A little more pessimistic perhaps, but not any smarter. I’m now concentrating on picking myself up. Some days I feel like everything’s going to be ok, but some days i feel like curling up in my bed and drown in loneliness. I’m a work-in-progress. I’m trying my hardest to pick myself up again, but some days, I just feel too damn tired of looking at the bright side of things.

Gaaaah you’re probably sick of me being all emo too… but its all part of life right? I’m sure, everything will pass, and when all else fails, Jesus still loves me right? ;D (haha my jgirl mode is switched on =D)

well, i guess i should get back to doing more add math practice..tomorrow's gonna be a good day. i'll make sure of that.

God Bless

ciao ciao